Do what you have to do"
by little miss muffet1
Summary: Becoming part 2 and Buffy's summer exile from the P.o.V of Dawn


By Lauren **__**

"Do what you have to do"

By Lauren

Disclaimer: I do not own in any way, shape of form any of the characters in this story, I merely wrote it. The characters belong to Joss **I am a God **Whedon, and the good people at Fox and Mutant Enemy. Please don't sue me, all you'll get is some 15 year old's clothes (they probably won't fit you), a collection of Buffy box sets, some high school courseworks and a few steely glares from myself. 

Authors Notes: Okay, this is my first attempt at fanfiction. I dedicate this story to those that are my inspiration, you should know who you are, and Lorna who persuaded me that it was good and told me I should submit it. I love feed back so please, I would love to know what you people think, good or bad, (but please bear in mind, anything too bad would break my tiny little heart!) So if you want to email me, feel free to at [lil_loll@yahoo.co][1].uk

Teaser: Dawn is the sister of the Slayer. As she looks through her diary, she comes across an entry added three months after the events in Becoming Part 2, and offers us her insight into her missing sister, and the reactions of those around her.

*Italics are reference to Buffy when her name is not used*

This story is written from Dawns PoV, and is written just as she would have said it.

_______________________________________________________

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September 1st 1997

I know she does, miss her I mean. She doesn't say so in front of me, she barely says anything at all any more…since _she_ left, but I know she does. She seems so, so different now, like she's some different person, not my Mom any more, she's like an empty shell. Mom talks to Mr Giles about why _she_ left, blames him for _her_ leaving, she seems so, so angry with him, and…_her_. Mom cleans a lot now, our house is different from when _she_ left, I don't think _she_ would recognise it now, as _her_ home I mean. Maybe that's why _she _took off like _she_ did, because Mom said it wasn't _her_ home anymore, that _she_ shouldn't come back anymore.

Sometimes, when Mom thinks I'm asleep, she creeps into _her_ bedroom. After she first left, she would go there every night, cleaning and touching _her_ stuff. But always keeping _her_ things where she found them, she never moved things from the place _she_ put them. It was like, like _her_ things held some part of _her_. But I knew the things _she_ left behind were the parts of _her she_ wanted to leave, to forget. After a while, Mom moved things, the clothes that _she_ had left behind with the note, _her_ stuffed animals, putting things away, tidying things away, and not just cleaning them. It was like, like she was finally moving on, she knew that if _she_ was going to come back, then _she_ would, and that nothing she said or did, would change that.

Even so, Mom still goes in on night-time. She stands looking out _her _window, staring out into the night, wishing that Buffy would just come into sight, even just for a moment. Or even that _she_ would just crawl in through _her_ window like nothing had changed, but it has. It's all changed now. Mom waits for _her_ to come back, for _her_ to know, know she never meant those things she said. For _her_ to come back and for us to be a family again. But _she_ doesn't come back; _she_ never comes back… and sometimes, sometimes I think _she'll_ never come back again, that _she's_ gone forever. But still, a few strands of _her_ hair cling to _her _hairbrush, just the way _she_ left it, and just the way _she'll_ find it when _she_ comes home again.

I can remember the night _she_ left. I was upstairs watching the t.v. I heard _her_ and Mom come in with some English guy. They were talking really fast, and Mom was upset with _her_. She was talking about Buffy being a Slayer or the Slayer or something. I crept down the stairs and through the hallway so I could hear clearer. By the time I got downstairs, the English guy had gone, and only Buffy and Mom were left. They were still in the kitchen and Mom was talking to Buffy, and Buffy was pleading with her. Buffy tried to get mom to calm down, and that _she_ would explain everything later, when _she_ got back. But mom really got angry, and she shouted at Buffy. She told her not to leave, to stay behind so they could talk, and she tried to stop Buffy from going outside. Buffy pushed her off, and I could see the looks of surprise on her face, and the words that fell out of her mouth,

"If you leave this house don't even think about coming back!"

And again the look of sadness and shock that fell over her as Buffy looked at her, and left. Mom sank down to the floor and started to cry. She cried like she did when Buffy got in trouble with the police for burning down the gym at Hemery, and I was angry at Buffy for making Mom upset like that. 

Mom saw me, hiding behind the door, and called me over. Her voice was still full of tears, I can remember. I sat down beside her and she pulled me into a hug. She kissed my hair and cried, and cried until she couldn't cry anymore. And that's when I knew, I knew that Buffy wasn't coming home that night, or the night after, or maybe, ever. She was gone, like that and nothing would change it. Nothing.

The next morning, when I woke I rushed into Buffy's room, calling her name. But she wasn't there, Mom was sitting on her bed crying, clutching a thin piece of white paper, with Buffy's handwriting on it. I stood in the doorway, I was watching, everything was a mess. Her clothes moved, her cupboards were empty, her window was open, everything was wrong, wrong, wrong. It wasn't Buffy's anymore, it was, empty. Gone. 

I went back to my bedroom and dressed, getting ready for school. I had art class that morning, I remember, I was excited that my work had been chosen for display on the parent teacher night. Mom and Buffy were going, they would see how good I was, they would see. But Buffy wouldn't, and that's when I started to cry, slow at first and then I couldn't breath. It was like I was being suffocated, and I couldn't breath, couldn't move. I sat there like that for an age. And then, I stopped.

Every day for the first month _she_ was gone, I would wake early and go to _her_ room. _She_ was never there, but sometimes Mom was. Sometimes, she slept in Buffy's bed, or was over by Buffy's mirror, touching _her _hairbrush and stroking _her_ photograph, the one of _her_, Willow and Xander. As I would come in, Mom would look up at me, and I could see it there before her mouth even formed the words, "Not today honey, not yet." And then she would cry, and I would cry. We would cry before school, and I would cry after school when I came home and checked, and she wasn't home. Just Mom. Mom and me… family.

From what Mr Giles told Mom after that, things started clicking into place. Things made sense where before there were only confusion. Even when I was little, about nine I think, even then I saw things about Buffy mom didn't. One night after I had a nightmare, I went into Buffy's room. I was terrified when I didn't see her there, and I called out to her, whispering at first then starting to yell. That's when she called back to me, from outside the window and she climbed through. She was covered in blood, and her face was cut just above her eye, I was frightened when she reached out to me, she scared me at first, I thought she was a monster. I stepped back and Buffy grabbed me into a hug and shushed me. I remember feeling safe, like nothing could hurt me when Buffy was around, but I also remember feeling scared for her. I tried to ask her, what she was doing, where she had been, but Buffy told me, told me not to say anything, not to mention it again and to forget it. And I did, until I discovered what Buffy really was.

After we moved to Sunnydale, after we left L.A behind, we settled in. But things never really changed. Buffy would still creep out her bedroom window, and she would still come home covered in blood. A few times, when I stayed up late, I would walk by her door and see her. She would stand by the window with it open, and I saw her kissing this guy I hadn't even seen before. Later I found out off Mom that he was her 'history tutor'. From where I was standing, they didn't seem to get much studying done! In fact, from my view, what they were doing seemed really gross. But it was another side to Buffy, another one that mom didn't know about, another part of her that only seemed to come out at night.

Buffy has been gone for over three months now. Xander, Willow and Cordelia still call around at the house. I think they feel guilty, for mom or maybe for Buffy. But they are angry with her too. They don't say so, but I can tell, the way they avoid talking about her, as though she never existed. Xander is angry the most, I heard him joking about it once, he said something, horrible about _her _and what she was doing. Cordelia and Willow didn't laugh, they just, went silent, like what he was saying was probably true or something.

I think Willow misses _her_ the most out of them. She always has the same looks as mom, right before she opens _her_ bedroom door on a morning, and right before she finds it just the way she left it the night before. She has…hope. I think Xander lost that hope a long time ago, kinda like Cordelia. But not me, I know Buffy will come back, one way or another, but I don't think _she_ will be mended. _She _was broken when _she _left, I hope _she_ doesn't come back shattered.

Without her around, the house seems, empty. Mom never leaves the house, but still, the house feels empty. There's no laughter, no laughter since _she_ left and what I miss most, what I miss most is the arguments. Mom and Buffy would always argue about Buffy's schoolwork, then they would laugh about it afterwards. I miss that the most. Now, there's nothing.

I overheard the police talking to Mom and Mr Giles. They say they have dropped the murder charge against _her_, but she still got kicked out of school. Got kicked out of home, got kicked out period. _She's_ got gone now, left, took off, got lost, I don't know where. I blame mom for her leaving, I can't help it. I can hear her saying those words to _her_

"if you leave this house young lady, don't even think about coming back".

Over and over they play in my mind, and every night I pray, I don't know to who. Maybe it's to Buffy, maybe, but I plead with her, please, I want you back. She can come back, everyone's sorry, we all miss her, I miss her. We're sorry. 

Okay, not the best story ever I know, but I felt some of those things needed to be expressed by the characters, and who better than the newest character to sum up the situation. When I wrote this story (apart from finally being able to sleep on a night time), I think that I though the emotions that Dawn picked up on weren't shown to Buffy, even after her return for Season Three. Now, maybe it satisfies me a bit more to be able to express the feelings everyone got from her leaving.

Once again, feedback is like sunshine on a rainy day in soggy Britain. So go ahead, even if it is to slate the story or offer improvements. Flames will be used to cook my dinner though… J 

   [1]: mailto:bad_ass_wiccan@slayerworld.com



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